Last week in the grocery store, I had an inspirational moment. It was one of those moments when one sees a mountain and decides to climb it or climbs into an airplane determined to jump out of it. It was the moment when the checker had finished checking and the baggers asked if plastic bags would be alright.

I generally do what I'm told. When the grocery store people ask if plastic bags are alright, I assume that to mean that they would prefer me to take plastic. Otherwise, they would be asking if paper bags were alright. Granted, it's not quite as daring as skydiving, mountain-climbing or putting my money on the check-out belt, but this time I decided to live large and ask for-- no, demand-- paper. I was a bit disappointed that this didn't seem to be as big a deal for them as it was for me.

It turned out to be a bad choice. After spending so many years as a docile user of plastic grocery bags, I had completely forgotten the properties of paper ones. In my rush to open the trunk and get out of the rain, I had balanced the bag on my wet bumper. When I grabbed it, the sides came loose from the soggy bottom and my purchases scattered themselves across the parking lot.

"They should put warning labels on these things!", I exclaimed to the beautiful woman whose car was parked beside mine. I had crawled under it to retrieve a tube of hemorrhoid creme-- the very thing a middle-aged guy like me wants to be holding when explaining myself to a gorgeous young babe. "How was I supposed to know the stupid thing wasn't waterproof!" She rolled her eyes in a way that I am all too familiar with, then drove off without a word.

My girlfriend rolled her eyes in much the same way when I told her what had happened... then rolled them again when I mentioned about the warning labels. She thought the idea of putting warning labels on paper bags was a ridiculous idea. I disagreed. To prove my point, I poked around the house and returned with a collection of what I considered to be common, (and equally-ridiculous), warning labels.

From the trash, I retrieved a Styrofoam fast-food coffee cup, upon which was emblazoned the warning, "CAUTION: Contents Extremely Hot!"

"I may not know much about paper bags", I said, "but I've never had any trouble remembering that coffee is hot. And how about this", I said, pointing to a decal on the side of her waffle iron. " 'Do not use this appliance near the bathtub.' I'm 42 years old and have yet to meet anyone-- anyone-- who makes waffles in the john."

"When this tirade brought no response, I pulled out my secret argument-winning weapon and clunked it down on the counter. It was a can of 'Black Death' brand household pesticide. The fine print on the bottom of the back of the can read, "Warning: Deliberately inhaling the vapors of this product is a violation of Federal Law, subject to fines and imprisonment.'

"First of all", I argued, "anyone who inhales these vapors is gonna be D-E-A-D, DEAD, so the notion of fining and jailing them is totally absurd. Second, if this stuff can weed-out the bugs AND the really stupid people, why should the government interfere?"

My faux pas with the shopping bag would probably have been long-since forgotten had I not been making such a big deal about it. Now, it would live in infamy, since I was about to make an even bigger deal about it. To soothe my fragile male ego and convince myself that plenty of people are just as dim as I am, I decided to solicit friends and family to submit their favorite, idiotic warning labels-- or labels they wished they had seen before they did idiotic things themselves.

As an example, I began the list with a label I wish the makers of hemorrhoid creme had thought to include on their package:

"WARNING: In a poorly-lit bathroom, this product can easily be mistaken for a tube of toothpaste."

In less than two weeks, I had received more submissions than could possibly be printed here. As you'll notice, alcohol, electricity, automobiles and the opposite sex are common themes.

Warning On A Toaster:

"Warning: Do not use forks, knives or any other metal utensil to extract objects from this appliance."

On A Toupee--

"Placing this object on your head will cause all the people who didn't notice or care that were bald... to notice and care."

On A Car Battery:

"Do not stand in water when attaching jumper cables to this device."

On Alcoholic Beverages:

"Three-am is probably NOT a good time to call your boss."

On The Dashboards Of Cars:

"Apply makeup before starting engine."

On The Tray-Table Of A Commercial Airliner:

"He may not act like it, but the flight attendant would rather tear you limb from limb and shove your pieces down the tiny little lavatory than give you another bag of peanuts."


At Your Destination Airport:

"By the time it returns from Bangkok, your luggage will have used up all of your frequent flier miles."


On A Well-Known and Particularly-Pungent Men's Cologne:

"Using these three-and-a-half ounces of cologne in less than a twelve month period will probably cause people to say rude things about you after you leave.(Or, the short version: "This product may cause comet-trailing".)


In The Men's Room:

"Please do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal."

In The Men's Room Of A Dive Bar:

"Please do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them wet and hard to light."


On A Car Battery: (Entry #2):

"Licking the terminals is not a recommended method of determining whether this battery is charged."


On Alcoholic Beverages: (Entry #2):

The word 'officer' should never be used at the end of any of the following sentences: "Have you seen my beer?" "None of your damn business!" "That hat looks stupid!" "Sorry if I pissed on your boots." "Holy heck, am I HAMMERED!" "If you don't stop shining that flashlight in my face, I'm gonna stick it where the sun don't shine." "Wanna see a picture of your wife, naked?"

On Auto Racing Memorabilia:

"Purchasing and displaying this product will cause most people to assume that you are a redneck."


On The Dashboards Of Cars: (entry #2)

"This is a car, not a telephone booth."


On Marriage Licenses, (for females):

"Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here."

On Marriage Licenses, (for males):

"WARNING: There are certain times of the month when certain subjects should not be discussed with one's spouse. These subjects include, but are not limited to the following: Finances, relationships, cooking, cleaning, pregnancy, pet care, child care, aging, weight loss, weight gain, fitness, fashion, furnishings, the weather, travel, television, movies, radio, computing, the internet, politics, auto repair, taxes, football, baseball, basketball, golf, hockey, soccer, cycling, volleyball, tiddly-winks, geology, geometry, philosophy, physics, accounting, archeology, musicology, biology, anthropology, professional wrestling, toilet seat positions, whose turn it is to do anything, or any other conceivable topic. Unfortunately, not saying anything won't be a viable option either."


On Marriage Licenses Being Issued To Those Engaged To Someone Who's Already Been Married More That Three Times:

"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'forsaking' is."


On The Door Of Every Casino:

"Your odds of winning at the slot machines are approximately 300-to-1. That's 300-to-1... AGAINST! Get it? AGAINST! What part of 'AGAINST' do you not understand?"

On The Window Sticker Of Luxury Cars: (male version)

"Your talk of German engineering fools no one. Be honest. You want to get lucky with hot babes."


On The Window Sticker Of Luxury Cars: (female version)

"Even if you earned every penny of the 45-Grand it took to buy this car, people who see you driving it will still assume you're a high-maintenance woman who's married to a lawyer."


On Alcoholic Beverages: (Entry #3):

WARNING: Urine is a conductive electrolyte. Urinating on electrical devices such as lamps, waffle irons, space heaters, street lamps, toasters, car batteries, wall outlets or downed power lines can cause extreme discomfort or even death.


On Every Voting Booth In The World:

"Bend Over. Smile."


My girlfriend always proofreads these stories before they go out, (because she can spell and I can't.) She read this one last night and showed up today with a warning sticker-- of sorts-- written carefully across the fingers of her right fist. It said "Warning: Rude comments concerning 'certain times of the month' could result in severe injury or slow, painful death.