This is a humor column. At least it would be if it were funny from time-to-time. Let's say it aims toward being a humor column-- as opposed to one that deals with politics, or current events, or such-like.

I don't generally do current events-- partly because I don't care and partly because my opinions of current events usually turn out to be dead wrong. Take O.J. Simpson, for example. Years ago, about a month before the verdict was read, I wrote a piece about how he ought to hire Perry Mason to defend him, since Perry always won and his current legal 'dream team' didn't stand a chance in hell of getting him acquitted. See what I mean?

I also stay away from politics because I make it a practice to live in blissful ignorance of them. Typically, my head is shoved so firmly into the sand that only my butt-cheeks are left visible above the surface-- where they are often mistaken for some kind of mutant clam.

At any rate, although this week's story deals with a current event and several of the characters are politicians, I want to make it perfectly clear that this story is meant to be neither current nor political. It's just an idea I had to rid the world of nuclear weapons. That's all. And since I've heard that some people seem to think that would be nice-- I thought I'd share it with you.

There are only two things that need to happen before my brilliant, planet-saving solution could be put into effect. First, two rival third world countries would have to obtain nuclear weapons, start testing them, then rattle their sabers at one another. (For the sake of this discussion, we'll call them 'Punjabistan' and Pachidermistan'.)

Second, I would have to be elected President of the United States. In other words, Uranium mining stocks are probably still a good investment. But just for kicks and giggles, let's wander down Hypothetical Lane:

My first action as President would be to call the Punjabistan Ambassador onto the Oval Office carpet.

"Look at this!", I'd demand, shoving a ream of seismographic print-outs towards him. "See what it says there? It says that your underground bomb test was estimated at a strength of thirty megatons. THIRTY MEGATONS!!"

"Mister President", the Ambassador would reply stiffly, "These tests are crucial for the security of my country, given the nuclear threat posed by our neighbors in Pachidermistan.

"And you think this test explosion is going to reduce that threat?", I'd counter angrily. "Is this your government's idea of intimidation?" I'd let him sit there looking smug for a minute... then hit him with the good stuff: "Well hell, Mister Ambassador, I make a bigger bang than that when I fall out of bed in the morning!"

That would get his attention. "If that's the best you can do", I'd taunt him, "the only thing the Pachidermistanis will be shaking and quaking with is laughter! Jeez-Louise, we were making 30 megaton bombs back when we were in Atomic Kindergarten. Now, if we did a test that only yielded 30 megatons, we'd figure we had fired a DUD! You scurry back and tell you Prime Minister that if that's the best he can do, he'd better be prepared to get sand kicked in his face down at the nuclear beach. Now get out of my office, you WIMP! And don't come back until you can make a REAL bomb!"

That would probably be enough to get the Punjabistani's to toss another three or four warheads down the underground test chute. Then, I'd call the Premier of Pachedermistan.

"Say.. Mister Premier-- old buddy-- old pal. Haven't seen you since the summit. How ya' been? That's good. And how's Mrs. Premier? Glad to hear it. Now about these nuclear tests you've been doing, I was just here with the Ambassador from your neighbors across the fence there, and he tells me that Punjabistan is planning even more and bigger underground tests. I was just calling to see if you were going to stand by and put up with that kind of nonsense, or if you were planning to do something about it? You are? Good. I thought you would.

Now I'm not sure, but I think he said they'd be blowing up twenty-five bombs... or something like that. You're right, as always, Mister Premier... they really don't understand who they're messing with. So I suppose you'll be setting-off twenty five bombs yourself then, right? Oh! FIFTY? REALLY? Well good for you. They'll probably think it's another earthquake or something. I'm mighty proud to know ya', Mister Premier. Thanks! Ba-bye!."

Phase Three: I'd order our embassy in Beijing to start asking subtle questions to their counterparts there-- questions like, "Does this mean that you are no longer the dominant country in this part of the world?", which of course would force them to save face by conducting underground 'tests' on several hundred warheads.

At this point, my plan would be just about at the top of that first roller-coaster hill. I'd announce that "Due to the increasingly volatile world situation", I'd have no choice but to renew our program of nuclear testing in order to "guarantee the effectiveness of our nuclear deterrent capabilities." This, of course, would be nonsense. But it would have the desired effect: not a nuclear arms race... but a nuclear arms TESTING race.

Treaties notwithstanding, our friends in Moscow, as a matter of national pride, would try to out-do us: We'd send 900 warheads underground; they'd send 1,200; we'd go to 1,500, they'd go to 1,800 and so forth. Then, French and British would join in the festivities and before long: problem solved. At such a rate, the current world stockpile of nuclear warheads would be reduced from 36,000 to zero in about three and half weeks.

The beauty of this idea is that it takes into account the fundamental nature of politicians: Common sense is nothing. Vanity is everything.

EPILOGUE
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce a very special guest to the column: Please welcome, 'Bob', who you'll remember as the announcer from the Veg-O-Matic commercials.

Bob: "BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!"

Thank you Bob, for that stirring re-introduction. Yes, if you thought the elimination of nuclear weapons was something, just consider what would happen next.

Although the population would be unharmed and the atmosphere would remain uncontaminated, such a large number of underground blasts would do considerable damage to the earth's crust. The continents would undoubtedly break up into tiny chunks and start floating around on their own.

While at first, this may seem to be a bad thing, (especially for interstate highway systems), it could be monumentally hip in the long run.

The planet is spinning, right? The chunks are drifting around, right? After a couple thousand years of centrifugal force, where are the chunks going to end up? Around the equator!

Thus, my plan would eliminate not only nukes, but snow shovels and studded tires as well,. because eventually, the entire land mass of earth would be transformed into tropical islands.

Ta-Da!