To: Talford's Department Store, Board Of Directors
From: Archibald J. Mintmeyer, Director of Human Resources
Re: Relaxation of standards for seasonal employees.


Ladies and Gentlemen,

As I'm sure you are aware, our store managers have found it extremely difficult to meet staffing levels this year, due to the strength of the economy and the resulting shortage of entry-level labor. This has led to the necessity of raising hourly wages and lowering, somewhat, our normally high-standards for employee recruits.

With the holiday season approaching, we have encountered even greater difficulty finding appropriate candidates to fill seasonal vacancies for our store Santas. It has therefore been necessary to relax and broaden our guidelines for these positions. Given the quality of candidates, these new guidelines contain directions which, in the past, may have been considered too obvious to be necessary. However, under the circumstances I feel they are entirely appropriate from the perspective of both customer-relations and our legal liability.

A copy of the revised Store-Santa guidelines are attached. As always, your comments are welcome.




Sincerely,



Archibald J. Mintmeyer,
Dir. Human Resources





(attachment):
-----------------------------------------------------------------

To: Seasonal Employees
From: Archibald J. Mintmeyer, Director of Human Resources
Re: Revised Santa Guidelines



Dear fellow associate,


It is a great honor for me to welcome you into the Talford's Department Store family. On behalf of the entire staff, let me assure you that we are most grateful that you are here and hope you will do us the honor of arriving at your scheduled time and staying with us for the duration of your shift.

Talford's has, in the past, maintained a reputation for providing quality products and friendly, courteous, professional service. We hope beyond hope that you will be able to help us continue this tradition.

We understand that many of you have not had any previous experience working as department store Santas... and that some of you have not had the experience of working at all. It is for that reason that we have prepared these helpful guidelines. We hope that you will find them to be useful and that they will help us to avoid any misunderstandings with our customers or the police.



REVISED GUIDELINES FOR TALFORD DEPARTMENT STORE SANTAS:

1. Although we have been forced to drop our requirement that all Santas wear white gloves, it would be greatly appreciated if you would consider trimming and cleaning your fingernails before each shift.

2. Do not suggest and/or promise to bring extravagant gifts that a child's parents could not possibly afford.

3. Gaudy jewelry such as large rings, heavy gold chains or brass knuckles should not be worn during your shift.

4. Body piercing is permitted but only if the inserted objects are of a seasonally-appropriate design, (holly berries, icicles, snowflakes, etc.)

5. Children seated in your lap should be lowered GENTLY to the floor at the conclusion of their visit.

6. Christmas presents should never be referred to as 'loot'.

7. Books are not necessarily a gift for sissies.

8. If at all possible, please refrain from challenging the children's fathers to arm-wrestle.

9. As a Talford's Department Store Santa, one should never offer to show a child one's tattoos.

10. Do not show tattoos, even if asked.

11. Santa does not smoke stogies.

12. Santa doesn't bet on the horses.

13. The Easter Bunny is not your hated rival.

14. Kindly refrain from making politically-incorrect remarks about the Tooth-Fairy.

15. Rudolph is a beloved icon of the holiday season. Do not upset the children by referring to him as 'that brown-nosed, butt-kisser.'

16. Santa's reindeer are NEVER killed and used for meat.

17. Flatulence is not to be used as a source of entertainment.

18. Phrases like "Shut Up! You're getting socks!", "What the hell d'ya want THAT for?", or "I got yer Pokemon right here, pal!" are to be avoided.

19. Children are not interested in hearing Santa recite dirty limericks.

20. The name of Barbie's boyfriend is "Ken" not "Gay Bob".

21. Do not make passes at children's mothers while on company time.

22. The use of drugs is prohibited. Alcohol is a drug. Most children can not be fooled into mistaking the smell of cheap bourbon for that of mouthwash or aftershave.

23. The following words are forbidden: The 'S'-word, the 'A'-word, the 'T' word, the 'D'-word, the 'G-D'-word, both of the 'B'-words and of course, the 'F'-word and all of its variations.

24. Children can be extremely sensitive about their appearance. Kindly refrain from making remarks about freckles, pimples, buck-teeth, thick glasses, muscular ticks, shriveled limbs or crutches. Especially to be avoided are questions such as, "Say... doesn't your mailman have red hair too?"

25. Children may ask you what you do when the Christmas season is over. Appropriate answers include: I wash the chimney-soot from my suit; tidy-up the toy shop; put a fresh coat of paint on the sleigh; build a nice, warm fire; read a good book; work in the garden with Mrs. Claus; take a vacation; go on a diet.
The following are examples of inappropriate responses: I go to Atlantic City and gamble; get stoned and watch TV; get naked and chase Mrs. Claus around the house; get naked and chase elves around the house; trawl for porn on the internet.

26. Children can be easily confused, especially about adult matters. Therefore, if a child asks if you are a man or a woman, reply simply: "I'm Santa." Responses such as "I'm a man, but sometimes I dress like a woman.", "I'm a woman, trapped in a man's body.", or "I used to be a woman." are inappropriate.

27. Rumors about Mrs. Claus and former-president Clinton are to be denied.

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Sincerely,
Archibald J. Mintmeyer, Dir. of Human Resources