Today I'm doing what I do best: giving unsuspecting readers bad advice on a subject I know nothing about. As always, I strongly urge you not to take any of it-- particularly since it involves your retirement money.


GEOFF'S NOT-TOO-RELIABLE GUIDE TO INVESTING IN THE STOCK MARKET.

Over the years, I've tried quite a number of investment strategies and should probably be overjoyed that I still have two pennies to rub together. Some of the tactics listed below are awful. Some aren't so bad. One is phenomenal.

Each of them are followed by two measures of their success: 'Results' are shown as a percentage rise or decline in the value of my portfolio that resulted from employing that strategy. A 'Rating' follows that describes the strategy in terms ranging from 'Abysmal' to 'Astounding'.

Again, the only advice I'd take from this entire article is the advice I'm giving you now about not taking any of this advice.


SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL INVESTMENT GURU

This strategy involves paying large sums of money to attend seminars and to purchase books and cassette tapes prepared by someone who's own ads refer to him as an 'investment guru' or 'stock market expert'.

These folks can most often be found on radio talk shows and TV infomercials, peddling plans with names like, "How To Profit From The Coming Apocalypse" or "Ten Steps To Unimaginable Wealth". Before spending your money, ask yourself this: If this guy can generate unimaginable wealth, why on earth would he be hanging around the Holiday Inn selling cassette tapes and tickets to his talk?

'Investment Guru' Results: Minus 2-3/4%. Results if the costs of seminars, books and tapes are taken into account: Minus 28%. Rating: Abysmal


PLAY THE 'BEARS AND BULLS' BOARD GAME

This is an investment board game that I invented myself. It's roughly-based on the kid's game, 'Chutes & Ladders'.

The ladders lead to the top of the board and a goal marked "BUY". The chutes lead to the bottom of the board and a goal marked "SELL".

To play, turn on one of the cable TV financial networks. Each time you hear the word 'Greenspan', move your marker one step up the ladder toward 'buy'. Each time you hear the word 'Congress', move your marker down a chute toward 'sell'.

'Bears & Bulls' Results: +9-1/2%. Rating: Good


FREE ADVISE FROM THE REAL MARKET EXPERTS

For a short time, I tried going the traditional stock broker route and found the results to be only slightly better than my guru experience; (+6-1/2%, minus fees and costs equals negative-6-1/2%).

Then I decided to consult the REAL stock market experts. These folks are the ones who have their fingers on the pulse of the market and have a natural affinity for understanding it's subtleties and nuances. They are cab drivers, bartenders, barbers, auto mechanics and guys who come to fix the toilet. Their advice is free, it is almost always correct and it is almost universally ignored.

'Real Experts' Results: +11%. Rating: Excellent


BUDGIE BINGO

Line your parakeet's cage with the stock pages. Wait for a week, then buy only those stocks that have not been obscured by droppings.

'Budgie Bingo' Results: +16-3/4%. Rating: Superior


GEOFF'S MOSTLY SMALL-CAP AND START-UP VENTURE FUND

I can no longer recommend any of the plans we discussed earlier-- even the good ones, like Budgie Bingo. That's because none of them can come even close to achieving the returns of my 'Mostly Small' plan. The results of this plan: +28-3/4%! It's rating: 'Astounding'.

As the word 'mostly' implies, a stock does not necessarily have to be a small or start-up company to be included in this plan. The factor that determines whether a stock qualifies for this fund is not it's size, it's earnings, it's bond rating, it's age or it's return on equity. The only thing a company has to do to be considered for the 'Mostly Small' Fund... is that it MUST NOT have a CORPORATE MISSION STATEMENT.

I realize that such a notion could cause riots in the nation's graduate schools of business, but numbers don't lie. Corporations that do NOT feel the need to conjure themselves a mission statement make much better investments than those that do-- and it ain't all that hard to figure out why.

Purchasing stock in a company that can't function without a mission statement is like flying with a pilot who can't get off the ground without consulting the instruction manual.

I have read hundreds of corporate mission statements. I have yet to read one that wasn't completely idiotic and obvious. Each and every one can be summarized as follows:

"Our Mission is to make widgets. We must do so without cheezing-off our customers too badly." (Well, DUH!). "We will spend tens of thousands of dollars to print this mission statement on our brochures, our custom-printed coffee mugs and company T-shirts. We will carve it in bronze and hang it in our foyer. It will be totally ignored by employees and customers alike. We will do this anyway, because we must."