This week, we'll begin with 'A Really Dumb Riddle':


We have them, but can't remember them.

They serve no useful purpose, but we insist on keeping them, anyway.

They sound dreadful, but can be tolerated when properly distracted or nebriated.

What are they?


Are they:

a. Barry Manilow records

b. Politicians

c. In-Laws, or

d. Alma Maters, (the songs, not the institutions.)


Any of those answers could be right, but for the purposes of this story, we'll say it's 'D.'-- Alma Maters.

This may sound like a stupid topic. That's because-- IT IS. Sorry, but it's late. My deadline's looming. I'm desperate. If you humor me by sticking around long enough to read this, I promise I'll try to find something funny about alma maters. If I can't, I'll at least try to work the word 'underwear' into the copy for your amusement.


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Saturday, I tuned into the Northwestern vs. Michigan game, just as the Northwestern University crowd was attempting to sing their alma mater:


"Hail to thee Al-ma Ma-ter,

We will sing thy praise for-ev-er

All thy sons and daugh-ters

Pledge thee vic-tor-y and hon-or..."


There they stood-- fourteen-thousand educated people-- singing one of the dumbest songs I have ever heard. I wondered if this had ever occurred to any of them.

It's not that I'm picking on Northwestern. My high school and college songs were equally uninspiring and we never noticed, either. In fact, I'm certain we could pick any tune from any school anywhere and get the same results. I know-- it's tradition. But that still doesn't explain why alma maters have to be stodgy tunes with awkward, stilted lyrics.

Since I have no life to speak of and plenty of time on my hands, I decided to do some research into the ancient art of alma mater composition:


ANATOMY OF AN ALMA-MATER

The Melody-- ... is almost always a variation on some old Calvinist hymn.
When such a heavy, plodding tune is played by a high school marching band, the results can be delightfully bizarre.


The Rhythm-- Speaking of high school, I have a vague memory of 'English Lit.', in which I'm tapping out iambic pentameter on my desk and being told that it was the rhythm Shakespeare always used when he wrote stuff.

Everyone who writes alma mater lyrics uses the same rhythm as well-- not iambic pentameter, but their own special alma-mater rhythm, called 'ploddemic quadrameter'. It means, 'a plodding, four-line rhythm'. When the Frankenstein monster walked around in those big heavy boots-- he was walking in ploddemic quadrameter.

When using this rhythm, the accent is always on the first syllable. Three of the four lines have four syllables each. The last line's different. Like so:


BY-the-shores-of

GITCH-ee-goo-mee

STANDS-our-al-ma-

MA-ter-dear.


WE-will-n'er-for-

GET-our-times-be

HIND-the-blea-chers

DRINK-ing-beer.



The Lyrics-- To qualify for inclusion in an alma-mater, a lyric must exhibit certain properties. For instance, it must have fallen out of common usage no less than seventy years ago. Those words that are still commonly used must be apostrope'd to make them sound old. The word, 'Never', for instance must appear as 'Ne'er'.

Perhaps the best way to explain this would simply be to list, THE TOP TWELVE WORDS USED IN ALMA-MATER LYRICS. They are:

"Cherish'd", "Vow", "Hallowed", "Hail", " 'Neath", "O'er" and "E'er"--(for 'over' and 'ever'), "Thee", "Thy", "Thine", and of course, "Alma" and "Mater".



THE ALMA-MATER-CIZER

Now that you understand the parameters that must be followed when writing an alma mater, you can use this simple formula to make one yourself. All you have to do is fill in the blanks and follow the rules as described above.

Here's what you'll need: No less than four of the words from the top-twelve list. No more than twenty-six nouns, adjectives, adverbs or prepositions. Together, these words and those from the list must total no more and no less than thirty syllables.

Remember-- four lines per stanza; accent on the first syllable of each line; first three lines have four syllables each; the fourth line is different.

Here's one I wrote by combining the words on the list with others picked at random from the newspaper. If I had it to do over again, I'd try to choose words that were a bit more educationally-oriented.



HA-il-to-thee

AL-ma-ma-ter

RAISE-your-voic-es

DARE-e-air.



AARD-varks-string-cheese

COM-met-clen-zer

PEN-guins-in-their

UN-der-wear.



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