I write a story just about every week. And just about every week, I end up with something that's filled with half-truths, cockamamie notions and outright lies. This week is no exception. The only substantial difference is that this weeks lies could make me piles of cash. That may sound like a cockamamie notion, but let me explain.

Like most middle-aged guys, I take great inspiration from the likes of Ralph Cramden, Tim Allen and Fred Flintstone-- the very symbols of middle-aged guydom. Despite repeated failures, their fervor for finding ways to get rich quick never dims. In the words of my heroes, "This one is gonna work-- guaranteed!"

I have discovered one of the greatest products of all time. It is a product that costs almost nothing to produce. It can be manufactured without the use of expensive machinery and does not need to be stored, shipped or insured. There's no inventory to keep and no initial investment is needed. Making and selling this product requires no special training or certification of any kind. It does not have to meet any safety standards or adhere to any government code. Nobody actually needs it, but millions of people around the world believe they can't live without it. If they buy it and it doesn't work, they don't seem to care or notice.

Best of all, this product has been made and sold successfully for thousands of years, often at a huge profit and often to high-credibility clients-- kings, presidents and famous celebrities. It's the get-rich scheme that will finally work. It's... Astrology.

Last weekend, I was listening to one of the local radio talk shows. The guest had a funny accent and had placed the word 'doctor' in front of his aristocratic name. He called himself an Astro-Numerologist and claimed to be a leader in the fields of both Astrology and Numerology. Callers would give him the date and time of their birth, then ask him to make a prediction or to offer a solution to a personal problem.

One caller had just discovered that her husband was cheating on her and wanted to know if the doctor foresaw them getting divorced or staying together.

"What are you asking HIM for?", I yelled at my radio. "Dump the bum! How hard is THAT to figure out?"

The doctor went on at length about how her sign was Pisces and the number twenty-five in her date of birth combined with the time of day meant that her guardian spirit was an angel named Raul and that she would be a better match for an Aries or a Gemini, rather than her philandering husband, who was a Leo.

"In other words", I yelled again, "dump the bum! That's what I said, FIVE MINUTES AGO!"

The next caller was a guy who wanted to know what to do with his lazy son. He had dropped out of college and had spent the past two years laying around the house, unemployed.
"Tell him he has two weeks to get a job, or you're gonna throw him out!", I said. Five minutes later, the so-called doctor told him exactly the same thing. ""Geez!", I cried, "If THAT's all it takes, I could be an Astrologer!"

The words echoed through my head and erupted into full-blown inspiration just as Dr. Astro-Numerologist was giving his 800 number and website address. I called him the next day.

As I suspected, the man known as Doctor Vladimir Scunchkin of the House of Scunchkin, aristocrats of Budapest was really a guy named Jack Wallace, former plumber of Racine, Wisconsin. I also suspected that he was a shrewd businessman who'd be more than willing to tell me the truth in exchange for double his normal Astrological consultation fee.

"I got a call one day from a lady who was frantic because some piece of jewelry had fallen into the commode and could I come get it out.", he explained. "So I do and instead of anything valuable, like a diamond or something, it turns out to be a chunk of quartz. It wasn't even cut or mounted or anything. It was just a plain chunk of quartz like you'd find layin' around in the dirt. But she was all frantic about it."

"So anyway, she paid me sixty bucks for the service call then gave me a two hundred dollar tip! She said that was a finder's fee-- ten percent of what she paid for the rock in the first place! And I says, 'Geez, lady! You paid two grand for this rock?' and she says that it wasn't just a rock-- it was a magic psychic healing crystal that cures arthritis and lets you talk to dead people"

"Now, I'm not stupid", he continued. "I didn't particularly enjoy working on toilets. So I go get me a box of rocks, sell them over the internet and make eighteen grand!"

"So you're saying I should go collect rocks?", I asked.

"Nah.", he replied. "Good markup but too much trouble to dig 'em up. I found it was much more profitable to just make stuff up in my head-- horoscopes, tarot cards, readin' the bumps on people's heads-- anything you want. You just gotta make it sound convincing."

I spent Sunday afternoon composing my first fake horoscopes. (Is 'fake horoscope' redundant?). Naturally, they are far too obvious for the discriminating and sophisticated people who read this column, but I'm hoping they'll be popular among the superstitious nitwits who actually believe such things.


ARIES-- Sometimes, you're late for work. You drive a car and wear clothes. Telemarketers call you during dinner.

TAURUS-- Venus is in Andromeda. Worse yet, your teenage son is in your Saturn. The stars see danger.

GEMINI-- Go back to bed and stay there until the full moon.

CANCER-- You are a middle-aged guy and your hairs clog the tub. Stop combing over and forget the hair implants. Invest that money instead. The interest will pay for a lifetime of crewcuts. Go with the flow.

LEO-- Aries is rising. Sagittarius is ascending before the full moon. Signs say your social life will improve, but you must either stop biting your nails or stop picking your nose.

VIRGO-- -- Your stocks will plummet. Your spouse will leave you. Your daughter will appear on your boss' new porno tape. Bummer being you.

LIBRA-- The moon is rising in the constellation Lexus. You are far too concerned with impressing others. Take that cigar out of your mouth. You look ridiculous.

SCORPIO-- You are an annoying person and none too bright. You talk too much yet never have anything important to say. It's not too late to announce your candidacy.

SAGITTARIUS-- You will contract an embarrassing illness unless you send me large sums of money.

CAPRICORN-- The person you are lusting after is gorgeous and half your age. You will give it a shot anyway. Capricorns are like that.

PISCES-- Your career and love life will begin to improve. Someone will leave a can of deodorant in your desk drawer.

AQUARIUS-- When the moon is in the seventh power and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars.