The gentleman wore a black suit with a white shirt and carried a clip board.

"I'm here for the briefing.", he said, as he marched up to the nurse's station. "Where's the subject?"

An R.N. pointed through the nursery's glass wall toward the cribs that lay beyond.

"Second row, third from the end.", she said.

He turned and made his way to the crib of the world's newest person-- a young man named Adam Allman.

"Good morning, Mr. Allman.", he said, officiously, "Welcome to planet Earth. I'm here to give you your orientation briefing."

"Mr. Allman, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that-- although much of what you'll experience here will make no sense whatsoever-- you needn't worry, since this is perfectly normal."

:"The bad news is that you'll never get off of this planet alive. No one ever does. Not only is your time here extremely limited, but you will find that it will pass much more quickly than you can possibly imagine."

Mr. Allman's face grew contorted and he cried out. The man would have liked to think that this was a reaction to his somber news, but he knew that it was probably just gas. Young people never believe older people when they talk about the speed of time.

"The purpose of this briefing", he continued, "is to make you aware of this fact and to offer some suggestions about how to make the best use of what little time you have. To that end, we have compiled a list of suggestions made by dead people during their post-mortem debriefings. They begin with:"


YOUR CHILDHOOD

Your golden years are not when you retire. They are the years of your childhood.

At some point during this period, someone will give you a coloring book and tell you to draw between the lines. Screw the lines. Draw wherever you want.

Boogers actually taste pretty good, but watching you eat them will bug most people. Try to do it when nobody's around. The same goes for belching and passing gas. Mom and Dad will yell at you for doing these things, even though they do them too.

You won't be able to avoid sadness, but you don't have to wallow in it either. There's a great way to let sadness leak out of your body. It's called crying. Crying is the emotional equivalent of moving your bowels. You will always feel better when you're done.

Defending yourself is always justified. Starting it, is not.

Learn to read and read your whole life.

Do not, under any circumstances, play Little League baseball. Little League is a spectator sport for grown ups. If you want to play baseball, all you need is a few other kids, something to hit, something to hit it with and something to use for bases. Rocks, trees and telephone poles work just fine. Don't let adults ruin baseball. Same goes for every other sport.

As a male child, you will find that there is something alluring, yet unsettling about female children. They will act in ways that will seem to be totally incomprehensible, completely inconsistent and generally baffling. Don't worry. That's normal.


YOUR TEEN YEARS

Your golden years are not when you retire. They are the years you'll spend as a teenager. A good rule of thumb for being a teenager is: "Try not to do anything really stupid". If you can avoid the really stupid stuff, you'll probably be fine.

TV is O.K., but watching it doesn't constitute doing something. If you watch a lot of TV and grow up to be a violent person or a cigarette smoker, it's not the TV's fault-- it's your fault.

Speaking of cigarettes, adults will tell you that smoking does NOT make you look cool. However, it will be obvious to you that some people DO think smoking looks cool, otherwise, nobody would smoke. What's cool is for you to decide, but remember-- smoking WILL make you smell funny.

Chances are, the meatloaf in the school cafeteria won't be quite as bad as everyone says it is. People just like to complain. If feeling grumpy all the time is your goal, complaining all the time is a great way to make that happen.

Maybe you'll be popular. Maybe you won't. Either way, it'll be irrelevant the instant you graduate.

As a male teenager, you will find that there is something alluring, yet unsettling about female teens. They will act in ways that will seem to be totally incomprehensible, completely inconsistent and generally baffling. Don't worry. That's normal.


YOUR MIDDLE YEARS

Your golden years are not when you retire. They are the years you'll spend working and raising your family.

One of the first thing's you'll realize when you become an adult is that most of the things you thought were vitally important as a teenager really weren't. Instead, you'll look ahead and imagine yourself doing amazing things with your life. Go for it, but don't be surprised if the stream carries you places you hadn't planned.

Having water spots on your dishes is not nearly as big a problem as people selling dish detergent would have you believe.

Don't be overly concerned about acquiring stuff. In the end, nobody will give a rip about how much stuff you do or do not have.

Don't be shocked when you turn thirty.

People in their thirties who claim they will grow old gracefully will be the first in line to buy hair color and wrinkle cream in their forties.

Being shocked that you turned thirty will not prevent you from being shocked again when you turn forty, fifty or sixty.

As an adult male, you will find that there is something alluring, yet unsettling about the females you will find yourself dating and married to. They will act in ways that will seem totally incomprehensible, completely inconsistent and generally baffling. As always, this is normal. If you end up with a supermodel-- more power to ya'. If you end up with a woman who's your best friend, that's even better.


YOUR ELDER YEARS

Your golden years are when you retire.

If you've been waiting all your life to start smoking cigars and drinking bourbon, now's the time.

Here's why you should spend your life reading: When you get older, more and more of your life will exist as memories. Reading about a place is not the same as being there, BUT... after you come back, a memory of a real place and a memory of a place you read about in a book are pretty much the same thing. Reading is like getting a whole other life-- for free.

You may reach a point where you realize you could die any day. Don't waste a second worrying about that. It's been that way since the day you were born.

As an older person, you will find that there is still something alluring, yet unsettling about women. They will still be incomprehensible, but at least by then, you'll be used to it.


The man in the black suit leaned over the crib and gazed at Mr. Allman, who was sleeping contentedly.

"You're off to a good start.", he whispered. "Have a pleasant journey."