The Wrong End
by geoffrey m. miller
© 2000 Miller Creative Services. All rights reserved
© 2000 Miller Creative Services. All rights reserved
mcsot0186
The master of ceremonies moved to the podium, tapped the microphone and addressed the begowned and tuxedoed throng.
"Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen.", he began, "I'm Wally Winkel. My first duty as your host is to remind you that these festivities may be monitored for quality assurance or training purposes."
The crowd responded with laughter and appreciative applause-- as only this crowd could. Those in attendance were not the stars of soaps or sitcoms. None of them had ever had a leading role on Broadway. None of the rest of us would have given them a second glance-- yet each of us have probably spoken with at least one of them within the past week.
They were the people on the other end of our telephone lines: customer service representatives, directory assistance operators and the myriad others who take our hotel and airline reservations, answer our computer tech-support questions and our directory assistance queries.
As they did every year, this group of unknown, under-paid, unappreciated professionals gathered to celebrate their often-remarkable, yet un-recognized achievements. Wally proceeded when the applause died down.
"Welcome everyone... to 'The Ninth Annual Callie Awards'-- the award ceremony dedicated to everyone who works on the WRONG end of the telephone! Without further ado, let's get things started with the nominees for our first award category: 'CALLERS CLAIMING TO BE SUPERNATURAL BEINGS'."
"And the nominees are... The Indian god, Vishnu, who called to reserve a Lincoln Town car at the Dallas-Fort Worth airport. Shirley Compton of St. Cloud, Minnesota who called a consumer hotline, claiming to be Juktah-Ra, high priestess of the lost continent of Atlantis. And finally, 'The Three Jeezi of Montgomery Alabama'-- two men and a woman who called a hotel reservation service-- all claiming to be Jesus and demanding a fifty percent discount on their rooms.
"And the winner is... Juktah-Ra high priestess of Atlantis."
Word gets around in the customer service community. Everyone in the audience had already heard the story of Juktah-Ra and responded with enthusiastic applause. Again, Wally waited patiently before he continued.
"We do have a consolation prize, however", he said, "the award for 'Best Comeback' goes to Amanda Yenchafest, who took the call from 'The Three Jeezi'. In refusing their request for discounts on their rooms, Ms. Yenchafest explained, 'Jesus saves, but not at our hotel'!"
The next award category was, 'CALLS MADE BY PEOPLE WHO THINK WE CAN'T HEAR WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE BACKGROUND'.
"The nominees are... "Flatulator-Floyd of Franklin Park, Indiana, calling the Ameri-Car Auto Rental Center in Chicago; Billie-Jo-The-Belcher, recorded on a call to directory assistance in Houston, Texas; and a man named Sam, from Rio Linda, California, who used his portable phone to call software tech support, while perched upon his bathroom throne.""And the winner is... Sam from Rio Linda! Joining us now is Susan Mitchell from Microtech, the unfortunate person who had to take that call. Susan, step up to the mic and tell us what that was like."
"It wasn't pretty.", said Susan, with a quiver in her voice. "The part near the end when he had to put the put the phone down was.... it was just a nightmare! I went home sick and I've been in therapy ever since."
After a sympathetic round of heart-felt applause, Wally returned to the podium.
"It will come as no surprise, ladies and gentlemen, that Sam from Rio Linda was also nominated in our next category-- 'CALLS MADE WHILE PERFORMING A BODILY FUNCTION'. He didn't win, though. That honor goes to an anonymous couple who called a consumer product help line with an unusual problem. To tell us all about that, please welcome Jack Winters, a customer service representative at the United Consumer Products Corporation. Jack... "
"Thanks, Wally. The call came in just after midnight from a couple who were celebrating their first wedding anniversary. Apparently, they had purchased one of our cordless electric toothbrushes and were using it in a manner for which it had not been designed."
"One of the features of this particular model is a detachable brush that had become detached at a most inopportune time."
"Tweezers and pliers didn't work, so I suggested that they try using a vacuum attachment to retrieve the brush. Not only was my suggestion a success, but the couple claim that I helped them take their marriage to an entirely new level. Since then, barely a week goes by that they don't send me flowers."
"Thank you, Jack", said Wally, as he returned to the podium. "It's nice to hear a story with a happy ending. I'm sure yours will be the only uplifting tale we'll hear for the rest of the evening, since our final category is a tribute to our fallen comrades-- those who sacrificed their jobs in order to save what little shreds of dignity we have left. We'll name two runners-up, followed by the winner. May I have the envelope please?"
"The second runners-up in the fallen comrades category are: Ken Radish and Rob Shimmel of Mega Bank's customer service department. Tired of getting chewed-out by irate customers who called to complain about their banks outrageous fees, Ken and Rob took turns pretending to be supervisors-- assuring callers that their fees would be refunded and that the offending branch managers would be fired. Ken and Rob are reportedly working a barge on the Mississippi. At least half a dozen law suits are pending against the bank."
"The first runner-up is Allen Flotsum, formerly with AirWest Airlines. When an unbearably arrogant customer demanded to be booked onto an already-full flight between Kansas City and London, Ontario, Allen was able to find him a seat on a direct flight to London-- London, England, that is-- and had his luggage routed to Buenos Aires. Mr. Flotsum's whereabouts are unknown. The airline is being sued."
"And the winner of the fallen comrade category is... Jennifer Wagner, formerly with Gatehouse Computer Company's tech support group. Jennifer joins us from an undisclosed location through our video-conference link. Jennifer...?"
"Late one night, I recieved a call from the stupidest human being that ever sucked air into his thick skull. After repeating myself for two-hours and twenty-five minutes, I told this guy I'd let him in on a secret trick of the trade", she explained, "that the best way to prevent his computer from crashing was to lick the contacts on the power supply. I heard him fumbling around for about ten seconds... then there was this popping, crackling sound."
"His attorney said my advise caused his client's hair to burst into flames and his dental fillings to melt, welding his jaw shut. The man has had extensive orthopedic, dental and plastic surgery, and will require a long rehab, followed by years of therapy. I'm being sued for everything I own and I'm happier than I've ever been. It was worth it and I'd do it again, in a heartbeat."
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
This story was inspired by and is dedicated to my darling daughter-in-law, AMANDA MILLER; C.S., H.R.S.C.S.R. (College Student, Hotel Reservation Customer Service Representative.)
"Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen.", he began, "I'm Wally Winkel. My first duty as your host is to remind you that these festivities may be monitored for quality assurance or training purposes."
The crowd responded with laughter and appreciative applause-- as only this crowd could. Those in attendance were not the stars of soaps or sitcoms. None of them had ever had a leading role on Broadway. None of the rest of us would have given them a second glance-- yet each of us have probably spoken with at least one of them within the past week.
They were the people on the other end of our telephone lines: customer service representatives, directory assistance operators and the myriad others who take our hotel and airline reservations, answer our computer tech-support questions and our directory assistance queries.
As they did every year, this group of unknown, under-paid, unappreciated professionals gathered to celebrate their often-remarkable, yet un-recognized achievements. Wally proceeded when the applause died down.
"Welcome everyone... to 'The Ninth Annual Callie Awards'-- the award ceremony dedicated to everyone who works on the WRONG end of the telephone! Without further ado, let's get things started with the nominees for our first award category: 'CALLERS CLAIMING TO BE SUPERNATURAL BEINGS'."
"And the nominees are... The Indian god, Vishnu, who called to reserve a Lincoln Town car at the Dallas-Fort Worth airport. Shirley Compton of St. Cloud, Minnesota who called a consumer hotline, claiming to be Juktah-Ra, high priestess of the lost continent of Atlantis. And finally, 'The Three Jeezi of Montgomery Alabama'-- two men and a woman who called a hotel reservation service-- all claiming to be Jesus and demanding a fifty percent discount on their rooms.
"And the winner is... Juktah-Ra high priestess of Atlantis."
Word gets around in the customer service community. Everyone in the audience had already heard the story of Juktah-Ra and responded with enthusiastic applause. Again, Wally waited patiently before he continued.
"We do have a consolation prize, however", he said, "the award for 'Best Comeback' goes to Amanda Yenchafest, who took the call from 'The Three Jeezi'. In refusing their request for discounts on their rooms, Ms. Yenchafest explained, 'Jesus saves, but not at our hotel'!"
The next award category was, 'CALLS MADE BY PEOPLE WHO THINK WE CAN'T HEAR WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE BACKGROUND'.
"The nominees are... "Flatulator-Floyd of Franklin Park, Indiana, calling the Ameri-Car Auto Rental Center in Chicago; Billie-Jo-The-Belcher, recorded on a call to directory assistance in Houston, Texas; and a man named Sam, from Rio Linda, California, who used his portable phone to call software tech support, while perched upon his bathroom throne.""And the winner is... Sam from Rio Linda! Joining us now is Susan Mitchell from Microtech, the unfortunate person who had to take that call. Susan, step up to the mic and tell us what that was like."
"It wasn't pretty.", said Susan, with a quiver in her voice. "The part near the end when he had to put the put the phone down was.... it was just a nightmare! I went home sick and I've been in therapy ever since."
After a sympathetic round of heart-felt applause, Wally returned to the podium.
"It will come as no surprise, ladies and gentlemen, that Sam from Rio Linda was also nominated in our next category-- 'CALLS MADE WHILE PERFORMING A BODILY FUNCTION'. He didn't win, though. That honor goes to an anonymous couple who called a consumer product help line with an unusual problem. To tell us all about that, please welcome Jack Winters, a customer service representative at the United Consumer Products Corporation. Jack... "
"Thanks, Wally. The call came in just after midnight from a couple who were celebrating their first wedding anniversary. Apparently, they had purchased one of our cordless electric toothbrushes and were using it in a manner for which it had not been designed."
"One of the features of this particular model is a detachable brush that had become detached at a most inopportune time."
"Tweezers and pliers didn't work, so I suggested that they try using a vacuum attachment to retrieve the brush. Not only was my suggestion a success, but the couple claim that I helped them take their marriage to an entirely new level. Since then, barely a week goes by that they don't send me flowers."
"Thank you, Jack", said Wally, as he returned to the podium. "It's nice to hear a story with a happy ending. I'm sure yours will be the only uplifting tale we'll hear for the rest of the evening, since our final category is a tribute to our fallen comrades-- those who sacrificed their jobs in order to save what little shreds of dignity we have left. We'll name two runners-up, followed by the winner. May I have the envelope please?"
"The second runners-up in the fallen comrades category are: Ken Radish and Rob Shimmel of Mega Bank's customer service department. Tired of getting chewed-out by irate customers who called to complain about their banks outrageous fees, Ken and Rob took turns pretending to be supervisors-- assuring callers that their fees would be refunded and that the offending branch managers would be fired. Ken and Rob are reportedly working a barge on the Mississippi. At least half a dozen law suits are pending against the bank."
"The first runner-up is Allen Flotsum, formerly with AirWest Airlines. When an unbearably arrogant customer demanded to be booked onto an already-full flight between Kansas City and London, Ontario, Allen was able to find him a seat on a direct flight to London-- London, England, that is-- and had his luggage routed to Buenos Aires. Mr. Flotsum's whereabouts are unknown. The airline is being sued."
"And the winner of the fallen comrade category is... Jennifer Wagner, formerly with Gatehouse Computer Company's tech support group. Jennifer joins us from an undisclosed location through our video-conference link. Jennifer...?"
"Late one night, I recieved a call from the stupidest human being that ever sucked air into his thick skull. After repeating myself for two-hours and twenty-five minutes, I told this guy I'd let him in on a secret trick of the trade", she explained, "that the best way to prevent his computer from crashing was to lick the contacts on the power supply. I heard him fumbling around for about ten seconds... then there was this popping, crackling sound."
"His attorney said my advise caused his client's hair to burst into flames and his dental fillings to melt, welding his jaw shut. The man has had extensive orthopedic, dental and plastic surgery, and will require a long rehab, followed by years of therapy. I'm being sued for everything I own and I'm happier than I've ever been. It was worth it and I'd do it again, in a heartbeat."
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
This story was inspired by and is dedicated to my darling daughter-in-law, AMANDA MILLER; C.S., H.R.S.C.S.R. (College Student, Hotel Reservation Customer Service Representative.)
