Not long after the school year ends, the sounds begin-- faint and subtle, like cosmic background radiation, but most definitely there. Because they are so hard to hear, it's not always easy to describe these noises, but to my ear they sound like distant dope-slaps; or in more severe cases, like loads of bricks being dumped on otherwise young, healthy bodies. They are the sounds of hard, cold reality tumbling down upon the recently-graduated.

Like hapless cartoon coyotes, the new grads fall off the cliff of carefree student life and land, 'SPLAT!' on the pavement of the real world. Before they can stagger to their feet, the get creamed by the dump trucks of rent and utility bills and flattened again by the falling anvils of loan repayments and costly, new wardrobes.

To make matters worse, their first day on the job-- a day they have spent four years and thousands of tuition dollars to reach-- usually begins with seven shocking words: "Forget everything they taught you in school."

An example would be this VERY common exchange between a corporate manager and a newly-hired Master of Business Administration:

"You learned that in business school, did ya? Just curious, but... did any of your professors actually ever RUN a business?"

For the benefit of those who are still in school, here are some samples of phrases you are likely to use or hear upon your graduation. We hope that having this information ahead of time will help to ease your transition from the scholastic world into the real one.


PHRASES OFTEN USED OR HEARD BY RECENT GRADUATES:
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USED BY ART HISTORY MAJORS:

"Excuse me for interrupting your dinner, but I'm calling with a special money-saving offer from the Worldnet Telecomm Long Distance company..."


HEARD BY ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS:

"Welcome aboard. This is your cubicle."


HEARD BY MECHANICAL ENGINEERS:

"Welcome aboard. This is your cubicle."


HEARD BY SOFTWARE ENGINEERS:

"Welcome aboard. This is the nap room. This is the game room. This is your cubicle."


HEARD BY MARKETING-COMMUNICATIONS MAJORS:

"We regret to inform you that you have not been chosen to fill the position at our advertising agency. We checked with each and every one of your references, and they were unanimous in their opinions that you are an honest, forthright and truthful person. Unfortunately, these qualities have absolutely NO place in the world of advertising."


USED BY LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS:

"Make sure the restraining device is securely latched. Keep your hands inside the car at all times. Do not stand up while the roller-coaster is in motion."


HEARD BY CRIMINOLOGY MAJORS:

"Here's your gun. Here's your badge. Welcome to the police force. Now go get me a cup of coffee."


USED BY THEATER MAJORS:

"Our specials tonight are blackened tuna for $14.95 and Pasta Primavera for $11.95. Can I start you off with an appetizer or something to drink?"


HEARD BY CRIMINOLOGY MAJORS, (with a grade point average of C-minus or less):

"Here's your badge. Welcome to the mall. Now go patrol the food court... and bring me back a cup of coffee.


HEARD BY GOOD-LOOKING BROADCAST JOURNALISM MAJORS:

"When the red light comes on, start reading the TelePrompTer. Got that? Yes, your makeup looks fine. What? The TelePrompTer? That's the screen that has the little words that go up and down."


USED BY NORMAL-LOOKING, SUBNORMAL-LOOKING AND DOWNRIGHT-UGLY BROADCAST JOURNALISM MAJORS:

"Like I said, it's the screen with the little words that go up and down. Yes... when the red light comes on... "


A TYPICAL EXCHANGE BETWEEN A NEWLY-GRADUATED PHILOSOPHY MAJOR AND HIS EMPLOYER:

Boss: "No, no, no... try it again."

Grad: "Uh... being... Being and Nothingness!"

Boss: "Once again, your answer is incorrect."

Grad: "Man is the measure of all things?"

Boss: "Wrong!"

Grad: "Existence precedes essence?"

Boss: "This really isn't that difficult, you know.

Grad: "I think, therefore I am?"

Boss: "How about if we make this easy. You just repeat after me, alright?"

Grad: "O.K."

Boss: "Welcome to..."

Grad: "Welcome to..."

Boss: "... Taco Bell. Would you like to try a Chaluppa?"


And finally, THE "IF-TRUTH-BE-TOLD DEPARTMENT":

If you have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Theater and a restaurant order pad in your hip pocket, please understand that I'm laughing WITH and not AT you. If truth be told, I too was once a college-educated hatchling. I had a BS in Elementary Education with a minor in Communications. My first job out of college: Morning air personality at a Top-40 radio station near, (yes 'near'... not even 'IN'!), Altoona, Pennsylvania. Starting salary: Minimum Wage.

If my Mom and Dad had been dead at the time, they'd have been spinning in their graves.